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Conscious communication has as much to do with listening to your inner dialogue as it does to hearing what others are saying

Conscious Communication 101

Listen to Be Heard

How can we communicate better? This is one of the most common questions we are asked in our work with couples. Our clients often believe if only they could say it differently then they would be heard. Our answer to this: Being heard is more reflective of your ability to listen than of your ability to speak. Some would say this is why we have two ears and one mouth. Practicing your listening skills may be easier said than done if you have not initially tended to your own inner dialogue. By listening skills we mean tending to your own self-talk regarding your beliefs about yourself and your relationship.

  • What are your needs in relationship?
  • What do you want in your relationship?
  • Do you enjoy your own company?
  • What is important to you?
  • Do you believe you practice healthy communication?

Take Responsibility

After getting clear on these answers, your task is to take personal responsibility for expressing your needs and wants rather than expecting your partner to magically know what they are and then somehow meet them. To develop healthy conscious communication in relationships you could follow the Golden Rule: Treat others as you wish to be treated. This would work if first you followed, Treat others as you treat yourself!

Your Inner Dialogue (aka Self-Talk)

Take a moment to practice your listening skills by eaves dropping on the conversation you are having with yourself about yourself.

  • Do you say kind things to yourself or are you self-critical?
  • Do you boost yourself up or bring yourself down with your self-talk?

Some of you may be saying, “Oh No, if this is how I can expect others to treat me I am in trouble.” We are saying, yes, to a certain degree how you treat yourself including what you say to yourself about yourself, directly impacts the energy you project about how you deserve to be treated by others. Thus, in order to truly create conscious communication in your relationships with others, start by cleaning up the conversation you are having with yourself about yourself. Make sure your self-talk reflects how you want to be treated by others. Healthy communciation starts with you. Now that you have listened to your inner dialogue you are ready to listen to others.

Coaching and Counseling

Hilary Stokes Ph.D. and Kim Ward Ph.D. have been a team for 20 years, specializing in mind, body, spirit psychology. They are the authors of the bestselling books The Happy Map: Your roadmap to the habit of happiness and Manifesting Mindset: The 6-step formula for attracting your goals and dreams and founders of Authenticity Associates Coaching and Counseling. They are passionate about combining the best of holistic and traditional approaches to health and happiness. If you are interested in learning the answers to the most frequently asked questions on how to decrease stress and increase happiness sign up for their free video series.


About the Authors

Hilary Stokes Phd

Dr. Hilary Stokes is a licensed psychotherapist in private practice in San Diego, California. Dr. Hilary received her PhD in psychology with a specialty in transpersonal psychology from San Diego University for Integrative Studies, a master’s degree in social work from San Diego State University and a master’s degree in Sport Psychology from San Jose State University. In addition to her ….

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Kim Ward Phd

Dr. Kim Ward received her PhD in psychology with a specialty in transpersonal psychology from San Diego University for Integrative Studies. She also holds a master’s degree in transpersonal psychology from John F. Kennedy University in Orinda, California. Dr. Kim is a certified trauma-informed coach and life coach in private practice in San Diego, California. In…

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