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Conscious communication has as much to do with listening to your inner dialogue as it does to hearing what others are saying

Posted on: February 6, 2010by Dr Kim Dr Hil

Conscious Communication 101

Listen to Be Heard

How can we communicate better? This is one of the most common questions we are asked in our work with couples. Our clients often believe if only they could say it differently then they would be heard. Our answer to this: Being heard is more reflective of your ability to listen than of your ability to speak. Some would say this is why we have two ears and one mouth. Practicing your listening skills may be easier said than done if you have not initially tended to your own inner dialogue. By listening skills we mean tending to your own self-talk regarding your beliefs about yourself and your relationship.

What are your needs in relationship?
What do you want in your relationship?
Do you enjoy your own company?
What is important to you?
Do you believe you practice healthy communication?

Take Responsibility

After getting clear on these answers, your task is to take personal responsibility for expressing your needs and wants rather than expecting your partner to magically know what they are and then somehow meet them. To develop healthy conscious communication in relationships you could follow the Golden Rule: Treat others as you wish to be treated. This would work if first you followed, Treat others as you treat yourself!

Your Inner Dialogue (aka Self-Talk)

Take a moment to practice your listening skills by eaves dropping on the conversation you are having with yourself about yourself.

Do you say kind things to yourself or are you self-critical?
Do you boost yourself up or bring yourself down with your self-talk?

Some of you may be saying, "Oh No, if this is how I can expect others to treat me I am in trouble." We are saying, yes, to a certain degree how you treat yourself including what you say to yourself about yourself, directly impacts the energy you project about how you deserve to be treated by others. Thus, in order to truly create conscious communication in your relationships with others, start by cleaning up the conversation you are having with yourself about yourself. Make sure your self-talk reflects how you want to be treated by others. Healthy communciation starts with you. Now that you have listened to your inner dialogue you are ready to listen to others.

Coaching and Counseling

Hilary Stokes Ph.D. and Kim Ward Ph.D. have been a team for 20 years, specializing in mind, body, spirit psychology. They are the authors of the bestselling books The Happy Map: Your roadmap to the habit of happiness and Manifesting Mindset: The 6-step formula for attracting your goals and dreams and founders of Authenticity Associates Coaching and Counseling. They are passionate about combining the best of holistic and traditional approaches to health and happiness. If you are interested in learning the answers to the most frequently asked questions on how to decrease stress and increase happiness sign up for their free video series.

About the Authors

Hilary Stokes Phd

HIlary Stokes, Ph.D., LCSW is a licensed psychotherapist in California with more than 25 years of clinical experience, specializing in trauma therapy, PTSD treatment, anxiety, depression, and nervous system healing. She holds Master's degrees in Clinical Social Work and Kinesiology and Sports Psychology and a Ph.D. in Transpersonal Psychology with a specialization in Tibetan Buddhist Psychology. Dr. Stokes is extensively trained and certified in brainspotting, EMDR, somatic therapy and other mind body approaches. Her integrative work bridges neuroscience, mindfulness, and holistic psychology to help clients process unresolved trauma, rewire stress patterns, and build emotional resilience.

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Dr. Stokes’ clinical approach is informed by advanced professional training and her own healing journey from complex trauma, which shaped her commitment to therapies that go beyond traditional talk therapy. She has worked in psychiatric hospitals, addiction and PTSD treatment centers, universities, integrative medical facilities, and private practice. As co-developer of the psychology and wellness programming at Sanoviv Medical Institute, she witnessed firsthand the power of integrating mind and body for lasting transformation. Today she helps individuals heal trauma, strengthen emotional regulation and reclaim purpose through brainspotting, EMDR, somatic therapy and mindfulness interventions.

Kim Ward Phd

Kim Ward, Ph.D. holds both a masters and a doctorate in Transpersonal Psychology with a specialization in Tibetan Buddhist Psychology. She brings more than 25 years of experience in trauma recovery, Brainspotting and mind-body transformation. She is extensively trained and certified in Brainspotting, somatic therapy, and trauma-informed approaches. Dr. Ward integrates neuroscience, nervous system regulation and consciousness-based psychology to help individuals process unresolved trauma, shift limiting beliefs, and access greater emotional resilience. Her work focuses on healing at the root, beyond symptom management, through brain-body therapies that create lasting change.

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As co-developer of the psychology and wellness programs at Sanoviv Medical Institute, Dr. Ward brings a uniquely holistic perspective to trauma therapy and personal growth. Her path from corporate leadership into psychology shaped her commitment to helping clients move beyond external success toward embodied fulfillment and emotional freedom. Dr. Ward's expertise combines Brainspotting, emotional intelligence, contemplative psychology and purpose-driven coaching. Drawing from both advanced academic training and lived experience navigating complex family mental health dynamics, she supports clients in transforming stress patterns, reclaiming vitality, and aligning with authentic purpose.