Conscious communication invites you to take responsibility for the fact that there is no objective reality. Everything you experience is filtered through the lens of your subjective perceptions. If you want to create conscious communication in your relationship you have to be willing to discern your interpretations from the facts there is what occurred and then there is your experience of what occurred). Unless you are skilled at bringing your full awareness to the present moment, your current experiences are connected to all of your past similar experiences. So really you are in relationship with all past relationships including your siblings and parents!

People often find it difficult to take responsibility for their interpretations, no matter how obvious they may appear. Instead they project blame onto their partner. This only creates separation and distrust. Your partner knows he/she didn’t mean something the way you took it yet you are sure they did. You are at a crossroads. Now imagine this happening over months or years and it is easy to see how the separation gap widens while intimacy and trust diminish. Learning to separate your interpretations from the facts is a primary part of conscious communication.

Relationship MYTHS

Perhaps understanding a primary myth about love will help. Relationship MYTH: Love is something that happens to us. I can’t control how I feel. I just fell in love. This is one of the most disempowering and irresponsible views on love. It perpetuates infidelity and insecurity in relationships. In primary relationships, love is a conscious choice you make daily.

Your Love Energy

Another common Relationship MYTH: I am attracted to this person so I should act on it. It must be a sign of love. Need we say the word infidelity again? Experiencing someone as attractive and being attracted to someone are two different situations. You will most likely always find some people attractive. However being attracted to someone involves opening your energy to them and allowing yourself to feel drawn to them. This is such a common misunderstanding. You know what we are talking about. It is that look that you give someone from across the room. It feels like a vortex of energy has opened and with their eyes they attempt to draw you in to their world. You can feel an energy coming your way and it doesn’t feel like a plutonic energy. This is decision time. Do you return the look while opening up your energy or do you notice yet keep your love energy contained within.

There are numerous relationship myths that proliferate unhealthy love dynamics, and thereby fueling unconscious vs. conscious communication. Learning to differentiate your interpretations from the facts of a situation is a great start. Taking responsibility for keeping your love energy sacred by focusing it within your relationship is another important step.

Coaching and Counseling

Kim Ward Ph.D. and Hilary Stokes Ph.D., founders of Authenticity Associates Coaching and Counseling, have worked as a team for over 15 years. Their mission is to empower people to achieve their authentic potential. They specialize in bringing the synergistic power of mind, body and spirit to individuals and couples. They are passionate about combining the best of holistic and traditional approaches to realize whole body wellness. If you are looking for a holistic approach to improving your life please contact Hilary Stokes Ph.D. & Kimberly Ward Ph.D. at Authenticity Associates.

Relationship FACT: Love is a conscious choice. In fact, love is a verb and it implies action. Being attracted to someone is also a choice. Given that love alters your brain chemistry, we can understand how it may not feel as though love is a conscious choice. But trust us, if you want to create a thriving and passionate relationship with conscious communication, consider that love is a conscious choice you make in the present moment.

Research shows that your brain chemistry is altered for up to 18 months after meeting someone that you develop strong feelings for. This love drug brain chemistry alteration leads to all of the amazing feelings you experienced in the beginning of a relationship: constantly thinking about each other, the desire to be together all of the time, high sex drive and feeling that he/she can do no wrong in your eyes. Well, what happens after 18 months when the love drug wears off?

Intimacy and Trust

This is where many couples begin to bewilderingly wonder WHAT HAPPENED? They believe the other person changed or they just fell out of love. All that happened is your brain chemistry returned to normal.

• You are finally able to focus on your work again or maybe actually make it to work.
• You are able to get to bed at a decent time or get out of bed in the morning.
• You can think about something else, anything else but your partner.
• Life has more balance and you are able to take your love to a whole new level.

Your Shadow

This is where true intimacy and trust are fostered and where conscious communication counts most. It is also where more conflicts begin to ensue as you feel safe enough to reveal new parts of yourself that your partner hasn’t seen. You have established a degree of intimacy and trust and now you begin to show what is lovingly called your shadow. Know that this is to be expected and presents the opportunity for applying conscious communication.

Coaching and Counseling

Kim Ward Ph.D. and Hilary Stokes Ph.D., founders of Authenticity Associates Coaching and Counseling, have worked as a team for over 15 years. Their mission is to empower people to achieve their authentic potential. They specialize in bringing the synergistic power of mind, body and spirit to individuals and couples. They are passionate about combining the best of holistic and traditional approaches to realize whole body wellness. If you are looking for a holistic approach to improving your life please contact Hilary Stokes Ph.D. & Kimberly Ward Ph.D. at Authenticity Associates.

How can we communicate better? This is one of the most common questions we are asked in our work with couples. Our clients often believe if only they could say it differently then they would be heard. Our answer to this: Being heard is more reflective of your ability to listen than of your ability to speak. Some would say this is why we have two ears and one mouth. Practicing your listening skills may be easier said than done if you have not initially tended to your own inner dialogue. By listening skills we mean tending to your own self-talk regarding your beliefs about yourself and your relationship.

• What are your needs in relationship?
• What do you want in your relationship?
• Do you enjoy your own company?
• What is important to you?
• Do you believe you practice healthy communication?

Take Responsibility

After getting clear on these answers, your task is to take personal responsibility for expressing your needs and wants rather than expecting your partner to magically know what they are and then somehow meet them. To develop healthy conscious communication in relationships you could follow the Golden Rule: Treat others as you wish to be treated. This would work if first you followed, Treat others as you treat yourself!

Your Inner Dialogue (aka Self-Talk)

Take a moment to practice your listening skills by eaves dropping on the conversation you are having with yourself about yourself.

• Do you say kind things to yourself or are you self-critical?
• Do you boost yourself up or bring yourself down with your self-talk?

Some of you may be saying, “Oh No, if this is how I can expect others to treat me I am in trouble.” We are saying, yes, to a certain degree how you treat yourself including what you say to yourself about yourself, directly impacts the energy you project about how you deserve to be treated by others. Thus, in order to truly create conscious communication in your relationships with others, start by cleaning up the conversation you are having with yourself about yourself. Make sure your self-talk reflects how you want to be treated by others. Healthy communciation starts with you. Now that you have listened to your inner dialogue you are ready to listen to others.

Coaching and Counseling

Kim Ward Ph.D. and Hilary Stokes Ph.D., founders of Authenticity Associates Coaching and Counseling, have worked as a team for over 15 years. Their mission is to empower people to achieve their authentic potential. They specialize in bringing the synergistic power of mind, body and spirit to individuals and couples. They are passionate about combining the best of holistic and traditional approaches to realize whole body wellness. If you are looking for a holistic approach to improving your life please contact Hilary Stokes Ph.D. & Kimberly Ward Ph.D. at Authenticity Associates.

Written by Hilary Stokes Ph.D. & Kim Ward Ph.D.